When I get into a routine, a very comfortable routine, like sitting down midday with my latte and biscotti something happens to me; I feel a sense of excitement and pleasure, settle down into my couch, laptop on a pillow in my lap, edible amusements in arms reach, this becomes my comfy zone.
It is from that “zone” that enthusiasm and inspiration would come over me. It would fuel me to write, or vision, or make updates to my site; it’s my work time, my private time, my time when I have energy to get creative in a way I cannot when my son is awake. It’s a time that I look forward to. Thinking about how this space would look without my bitter, creamy, foamy hot latte to sip on and my crispy, sweet decadent treats to munch turned my comfy-cozy into a dreary-grey place that didn’t seem to have even the scent of inspiration (all a story in my habituated mind of course). Some of the sparkle and intrigue withdrew and I felt afraid of how I would nestle down without all my self-indulgent little luxuries.
Day one came, I made sure I had some raw treats on hand (the Hamantaschen that I posted here), a cup of green tea with some honey and almond milk, and my version of a date bar that I was purchasing from the local bakery (that recipe will be coming, and it is SO yummmmmy!). Sounds good right? It was, and honestly I didn’t miss anything (that day).
In the days following I started getting feelings of anxiousness, wanting something more and in general like something was missing. It’s likely that I needed and still need to make more bulky raw comfort foods to have on hand. Bread types of foods would be very helpful, other sorts of desserts, and Oh my Goodness, have I been craving some chocolate. What I’m getting from this is that my body and mind are experiencing some mild detoxification and the expected cravings of cutting out addictive foods.
Perhaps I was using those foods like bandaids to cover up feelings of being out of touch with self expression and fulfillment. I say that because I notice without those foods there’s a sense of sadness, and feelings of longing for something. I don’t like having those feelings, but the foods were creating a false sense of fulfillment while not actually fulfilling or supporting the expression of spirit that is my true desire. Remove the bandages and there’s some pain; my cues to hear the calling I have been ignoring and more precisely numbing myself from experiencing.
The foods have been smothering my intuition. Intuition is directing me through subtle and not so subtle feelings, until I sit down with my “trigger” foods which (momentarily) leave me feeling comforted, pampered, and no longer aware of my intuition because (for those moments) everything seems “okay” – until my body begins to feel uncomfortable because of those very foods. Then, on top of the discomfort I start feeling guilty, sad, and a bit lost; yet another excuse not to listen to my intuition and at the same time, further hints at where my intuition is directing me.
It’s really fun to witness the changes that I am going through while exploring myself through these agreements. For instance when I did my first 30 days of not eating after 7pm I felt such anxiety about getting through my night without those little indulgences I had gotten used to. The feeling of having an empty belly was excessively disturbing and disconcerting. Now 30+ days later it is becoming a comfortable practice. I still get hungry at night, but I have become okay with the feeling and I enjoy knowing I am going with the flow of my bodies natural process. It feels really powerful.
I’m now in the beginning days of this new agreement, and going through the inner tantrums. Not so far beneath my emotional surface is a sense of excitement at allowing myself the room to become empowered in choosing the awakening of my conscious self. For so long that I have allowed subconscious habits to control me, this new found strength is refreshing and nourishing my authentic self to blossom. As scary as allowing these personality shifts seem, I am thrilled to finally break the ridiculously ingrained, and disempowering habits.
Even more, what I am realising is that making these changes, for anyone, means knowing and allowing yourself to become an entirely new person. A more authentic version of me, but a different version and one that I am not yet comfortable with, because it is not the same “persona” that has brought me to where I am now. Yes, it’s me, and aspects of my personality, the basis of who I am and have always been are always in essence the same, but so much is different. What I value on a moment to moment basis, how I choose to think about and take action in my life. So much has to change to be the person that I know I am, and see that reflected in my body, mind and emotions. It is a great shift, and perhaps that is why these agreements feel like the way that will work for me. It is allowing me time to shift one aspect at a time, and get comfortable with how this more authentic version of me lives each moment.
I am willing to become new, step out of stagnation and step into the uncomfortable to be more comfortable than ever before!
Okay, I think I’ve been rambling long enough, but it has been an entire week. One week down – 3 to go. In general I’m feeling good, and one advantage for you is that I am starting to get really creative in the kitchen making some deeply satisfying comfort foods. So far I‘ve made raw hamantaschen, crispy grawnola date bars, and some ridiculously good sesame and chocolate pinwheels, that will probably become my new version of raw rugelach – ridiculous!
That’s all for now, stay tuned for those recipes, and as always I would love to hear from you. Let me know you’re out there, and perhaps if you have gone through any transformational personality makeovers. How have you changed, and and what did you go through to get there?
If not do you feel you are ready or looking for such a shift, or awakening? I would love to be a support to you as well!