Happy Spring Equinox to you all, blessings of rebirth, renewal, and the fullness of your souls expression!
My 3rd 30 day agreement began yesterday, the 19th of March 2013, but before I go on to denote this month’s agreement my heart is moved to share with you the depths of gratitude that I’ve been feeling. I preface this by saying that next week, March 28th is my 35th birthday (halfway to 70 – wooohooo!) and perhaps that is part of the reason for the enormity of the love and gratitude that is surging through me.
It has been since the 4th grade (around 10 years old or 24 years ago) that I have been dealing with, or hiding my light beneath the shadow of many forms of addiction and denying myself the space to shine as brightly as I’ve always known that I am here to shine.
There have been periods of great revelation, allowing and self expression where from the outside looking in I may have seemed like a fully expressed and confident Woman. On some levels I have been and on other levels I have certainly not – there’s always the side of a person that only the “I” sees. For me, many levels of strength expressed, were actually cloaks covering deeper levels of fear, self doubt, low self esteem, and self judgment (I do acknowledge that the strength expressed was coming from a real place only it wasn’t complete).
During the past 10 years all those suppressed emotions centered around worthiness, self love, acceptance and trust were tested, I have been tested in some of the biggest ways ever. I was broken down to just a shell of myself and have been building myself back piece by piece. The funny thing is that I had no conscious idea that I had come so far from my place of peace. It took going to some of the darkest places to really see that I had come so far.
It’s amazing to see life come together. To see the synchronicity of things that would seem pretty distinct in their roles. But, life is a pulse and there is not a part or piece that is outside of that pulse. This is a reference for me personally to how my website is turning into a vehicle for my personal transformation. I started Living Vision during one period of transformation, and have moved through and into diametrical expressions of my life’s path. To the degree that at certain points I felt like I just had nothing to contribute to this website that I started during a 92 day juice fast, while holding the highest ideals for myself and everyone else.
With those highest intentions, and my life no longer matching them I felt I had nothing to offer. It wasn’t until just a few months ago, when I had the clarity that Living Vision is a dynamic expression of our unique life which we are all always in the process of. I finally felt liberated from thinking I had to show up for you – the audience – as a radiant raw goddess, already in my most brilliant expression. It hit me that perhaps many of you would connect to me as the real person working through my own muck in the dynamic process of transformation and Living Vision. It was then that I decided to show up, letting go of the idea that I need to be perfect to do so. So what do I do? I decided to take all that I desire for myself, and start working on it piece by piece. To take an honest look at where I stand now and put it all out and open on the table. That is when the 30 day agreements emerged and where I decided to allow myself the privilege of having an audience to be accountable to, and to share my journey with. I decided to be really, really real, and to love and accept all that I am right now!
Thinking like that has given me the strength to actually begin chipping away at all the habits and addictions that have been keeping my brilliance dulled and kept me numbed from intuition, power and the fullest expression of all I am. For this I am grateful, I am thankful, I am LOVE.
It is now my 3rd cycle of 30, I am feeling a sense of triumph and excitement at the few agreements completed, all those still to come and the immense light to be expressed by way of them.
For now, I humbly take it upon myself to begin the practice of Hara Hachi Bu or eating to 80% of my fullness for 30 days beginning March 19th, 2013. In thinking about that I am taking this on, my heart melts in joy and gratitude. I can feel my body saying yes and thank you!
Today was my first day in trying to hold to Hara Hachi Bu, and it is very interesting to experience how out of touch I have been with my body. Part of what is so thrilling is knowing that this practice is further bringing me into alignment with my intuition. A thought I had tonight was how can we expect to be in touch with the subtle voice of intuition if we are not even in touch with the loud voice of physical satiety. I don’t know honestly if I stopped eating today or tonight at 80%, because I have no idea what that feels like. If I am going to be completely transparent with you, my normal MO has been to eat until I am pretty well stuffed and those stretch receptors are saying “NO MORE!!!!!”. Perhaps I ate to 90% full tonight, all I know is it felt good to sit, eat slowly (which I must to pay attention to the voice in my belly), and stop when I thought that may be what 80% feels like. My spirit is saying “ ah, she is beginning to listen. We will be allowed expression soon enough.”, my heart is saying THANK YOU, and perhaps I am feeling more of the love that is Soul.
If you are reading this I urge you to think about something, anything that you have been wanting to shift, or allow, or surrender, and give thought to taking 30 days to make that your practice. You are welcome to leave a comment here to announce your agreement as I have found making the public statement brings a whole new level to feeling accountable. What’s most important is taking the first step no matter how big or small it may be. And, no matter how big or small, it is MASSIVE because it is you ALLOWING your brilliance a little more room to shine!